i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
