So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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