two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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