i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
