My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
