I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
don't judge my taste in strippers
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
