apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
