you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Randomize
