College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
