my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
