i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
