I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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