You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
