I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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