I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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