my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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