so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
