My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
