we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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