I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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