got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
