so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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