cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She told me I should be a condom model.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
