My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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