False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
