If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
