I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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