I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Randomize
