and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
