After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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