After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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