it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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