My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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