apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
