there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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