I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
