Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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