onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
