Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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