woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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