someone threw a dead crab at me
are you so shy because you have an std?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
