come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
