I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
