im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
