There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
