Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
