They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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