Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
