We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
