my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
