i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
