got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
