Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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