I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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