I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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