I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
