she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
