mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
