Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
