You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
