I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
