I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
