dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
