When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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